Ask Before You Inherit the Whole Project

“Just a little help” can be an astonishingly elastic phrase. You agree to look at a document, and somehow an entire revision is now expected by dinner. You thought you were bringing something to the gathering. Apparently, you are organizing it. Somewhere between the request and your yes, a detail went missing. It was the detail that would have changed your answer.

Ask for it. Before you prove how helpful, capable, or easy to work with you are, find out what is being requested. That is a reasonable part of agreeing to anything. I have little patience for the idea that a competent woman should magically know what someone meant. Competence includes asking questions. Silence may look confident for a moment; it can also leave you carrying work you never understood.

“What do you need me to do?” is a good beginning. Then get to the part that matters for your decision. When is it needed? How much work is involved? Who is responsible for the rest? You do not need to interrogate someone over a small favor. You do need enough information to distinguish a small favor from a project wearing a friendly little disguise.

For example, “look this over” could mean check one fact, read for clarity, or rewrite the whole document. Try, “Do you want a quick read or detailed edits?” Once you know, answer from what you can offer. “I have twenty minutes for a quick read.” There is generosity in that sentence. There is also a limit. I like an agreement where both people can see those things before the work begins.

Watch the urge to apologize for every question. You are not being difficult because you need the address, the cost, or the expected end time. The information is part of the request. If someone reacts impatiently, you can stay focused on what you need to know. Their impatience does not fill in the missing detail. Your guess will still be a guess, even if you make it quickly to smooth the conversation.

Sometimes the answer will genuinely be uncertain. That is useful to know too. You can make a conditional agreement: “I can help with a group of ten. Please check with me if it gets bigger.” Say the condition out loud. An unspoken limit is easy for someone else to miss and exhausting for you to defend after everyone has proceeded as though it never existed.

Clear questions bring you into the agreement as a person with judgment. That matters to me. I am interested in a woman participating in her life, not simply discovering what she has been assigned after she arrives. Ask while the request is still small. Then let your yes, your no, or your offer mean what you actually understand it to mean.

PRACTICE — Before accepting the next vague favor, ask the question that could change your answer. Get the detail, then decide.

Today's affirmation: “I can ask for enough information to give an honest answer.”

— Seven Calia